


But Not Too Not Familiar

by howlikeagod



Category: My Brother My Brother and Me (Podcast), What We Do in the Shadows (TV)
Genre: Bad Advice, EDIT: and a hearty fuck you to john roderick, Gen, Podcast, and everything in between, courtesy of the author's absolutely terminal case of commitment to the bit, look at jeremy and tell me that's not a man who listens to podcasts, surprisingly good advice, this isn't THE stupidest thing i've ever written but it's definitely in the top five
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-04
Updated: 2020-08-04
Packaged: 2021-03-06 04:07:51
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,264
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25717039
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/howlikeagod/pseuds/howlikeagod
Summary: Eventually, and not entirely without inspiration from Colin Robinson, Guillermo gets really into podcasts.What could a familiar possibly be doing on his computer, besides perusing vampire-themed questions on the Yahoo Answers service?
Comments: 71
Kudos: 132





	But Not Too Not Familiar

**Author's Note:**

> Fuck you to John Roderick and the Long Winters for the use of this title from "(It's a) Departure" off the album _Putting the Days to Bed_.
> 
> More bad jokes in the end notes.

The house gets quiet during the day. Nandor, Nadja, and Laszlo sleep; Colin Robinson goes to work; Guillermo does his chores. Most of the tasks that aren’t actively gag-inducing are repetitive. They’re the kinds of things he can do while letting his mind wander.

Letting your mind wander after several years of humiliating, gore-splattered labor in obsessive pursuit of an even more gore-splattered lifelong dream isn’t always the healthiest idea.

Eventually, and not entirely without inspiration from Colin Robinson, Guillermo gets really into podcasts.

* * *

GRIFFIN: You guys want a Yahoo?

JUSTIN: Go ahead, Griff.

GRIFFIN: This Yahoo was sent in by Guillermo de la Cruz. Thank you, Guillermo. It’s from—they’re anonymous, let’s call them… Alex Mackula. Alex Mackula asks, ‘Vampire can turn into bats but do they have to be naked where do their clothes go?’

TRAVIS: Huh.

JUSTIN: The thing you have to—

GRIFFIN: _But_ do they have to be naked wheredotheirclothesgo?

JUSTIN: [Laughter]

TRAVIS: Where their clothes _go?_

GRIFFIN: Where their _clothes_ go, Justin?

JUSTIN: [Wheezing laughter] The thing you have to rem—What you _have_ to understand about vampires—

TRAVIS: As our resident vampire expert—

GRIFFIN: No, no, don’t interrupt him. Justin is about to drop the _real_ shit. The dope vampire wisdom the government doesn’t want us to know about.

TRAVIS: [Laughing] Okay.

JUSTIN: [Wheezes] Vampires—

GRIFFIN: Shut the fuck _up,_ Travis! He’s about to tell us the secrets of Nosfer _atu!_ Please, Justin. Go ahead.

JUSTIN: Is that—Okay, my question for you is this. How do we know that vampires aren’t _always_ naked?

TRAVIS: …Huh.

GRIFFIN: Al _right._ Say more.

JUSTIN: Just, think about it. Vampire _can:_ turn into bat, turn into dog, turn into mist—

TRAVIS: Sorry, back up. [Laughing] Turn into dog?

JUSTIN: Turn into dog! Haven’t you read _Dracula?_ He can turn into wolf, he can turn into bat—

TRAVIS: [Laughing] Dracula was a werewolf!

JUSTIN: No, don’t say that.

GRIFFIN: Travis, vampires get very upset when you call them what they are, which is cold, fancy werewolves.

TRAVIS: See, I disagree. I think that if anyone would get upset if you called a vampire a cold, fancy werewolf, it would be actual werewolves. It’s like, you’re out here turning into a big dog during the full moon and running around howling and shit and taking your shirt off, and here comes a vampire who is all, Oh look at me, I can do that whenever I want, isn’t it great to be a werewolf, my fellow werewolf? And the werewolf would be like, Jesus, this guy again. You know?

JUSTIN: It’s classic stolen valor.

GRIFFIN: Stolen valor, yes.

JUSTIN: But my point is this. Vampires can turn into animals and also mist, [Laughter] right? So let me turn it around: where their _fur_ go? Maybe—

GRIFFIN: You’re saying maybe wolf fur is just their clothes?

JUSTIN: I’m—No, I’m saying that maybe they transform the outside of their bodies to _look_ like they’re wearing clothes. So if a vampire actually wore, say, a Big Johnson t-shirt, and he turned into a bat, that bat would be flapping around in a shirt on the floor.

TRAVIS: Uh huh.

JUSTIN: I’m saying, have _you_ ever seen a vampire change their clothes? No! They’re always wearing the same stuffy old shirt and, and, and _breeches_ they wore three hundred years ago! And it’s not because their clothes have sentimental value. It’s because they’re _not wearing clothes._

GRIFFIN: That’s the shit they didn’t tell Anne Rice when she did her great interview with Bradley Pitt. That— [Laughing] That vampires are always nude.

TRAVIS: What kind of Big Johnson shirt _would_ a vampire wear?

JUSTIN: Well—

Guillermo pauses the show and sits back on his heels. He drops his scrub brush into the pink-tinged soapy water of the bucket, stares into space for several seconds, and says, “Huh.”

Later that night, as he dresses Nandor, he peers subtly down the front of his undershirt. It definitely _looks_ like it’s separate from his skin. He squints and tries to remember what Nandor was wearing the last time Guillermo saw him turn into a bat.

“Guillermo?”

“Hm?” Guillermo whips his head up.

Nandor furrows his brow and gives him an uncomfortable grimace that reveals just the tips of his fangs.

“You’re breathing on me.”

“Sorry, master.” Guillermo shuffles back.

“Your breath is very warm, Guillermo. You should work on that. And brush your teeth.”

“I—” Guillermo shakes his head and focuses on tying Nandor’s cravat. “I do brush my teeth, master.”

“Brush them better,” Nandor mutters. “I’m the only one who cares about hygiene around here, yeesh.”

* * *

GRIFFIN: This Yahoo was sent in by Guillermo de la Cruz. Thank you, Guillermo. Climbing that ladder! We should give Guillermo a nickname, I think they’ve earned it.

JUSTIN: They’re the one who’s always sending in vampire-themed Yahoos, correct?

GRIFFIN: W _ell,_ funny you should say that, Justin. This one comes from Yahoo Answers user SassyCat669—nice—who asks, ‘How to uncurse a hat?’

TRAVIS: How to—

GRIFFIN: How to un _curse._ A hat?

JUSTIN: [Laughing] Any further details?

GRIFFIN: ‘I got this hat as a gift and I think it has a curse. However I do not want to stop wearing it. How do I take away the curse but leave the stylish air of mystery this hat gives me? I do not think the curse is vampire-specific but cannot rule it out. P.S. No you can’t have the hat back so don’t ask, you know who you are.’

TRAVIS: Hm.

JUSTIN: Now—

GRIFFIN: I do not _think_ the curse is vampire-specific, but we can’t rule it out. Please don’t forget that part, it’s very important.

TRAVIS: And no, you can’t have the hat back. It’s _this_ person’s sexy hat now.

GRIFFIN: It is SassyCat669’s _extremely good_ and _very sexual_ hat and they will _not_ abide by any brigands or hexers or vampiric forces meddling with their headwear, Travis!

JUSTIN: Now, I do want to explore this person’s definition of _gift_ for a second. They say ‘I got this hat as a gift,’ and then end their, their screed here with [Laughing] ‘No, you can’t have it back, so don’t even ask, motherfucker!’

TRAVIS: The implication being that someone who gave them a cursed hat is going to renege and say, Hold on, actually, _I_ want that curse!

JUSTIN: Give me back my curse! No, what bothers me about this phrasing is that it makes me wonder if the hat was, in fact, a gift as they say.

TRAVIS: [Gasp]

GRIFFIN: You think Yahoo Answers user SassyCat669 is a _thief._

JUSTIN: I mean, you tell me! What’s more likely? That a dear friend would gift you a vampire-cursed hat as a token of camaraderie and then, for some bizarre reason, want it back, or that this person _stole_ a vampire’s hat and that vampire went, [Eastern European accent that quickly lapses into something offensively French] ‘Enjoy my hat curse, fucker!’

GRIFFIN: We can’t prove it’s a vampire-specific curse, you _gotta_ remember that.

TRAVIS: Well, Griffin, I can’t prove that IBS is a _Griffin_ -specific curse. Does that mean thou art not Griffin?

GRIFFIN: Yeah, alright. And we’re agreed that the original owner of this hat is a vampire, yes?

JUSTIN: Yes.

TRAVIS: Unless…

GRIFFIN: Unless?

JUSTIN: Unless?

TRAVIS: They’re both vampires.

GRIFFIN AND JUSTIN: [Laughter]

“—just like with Simon and your bloody stupid cursed hat!” Nadja shouts upstairs, muffled but distinctly audible. “You’re as stubborn as a dead donkey who is also a giant asshole!”

It’s not a particularly notable quarrel Nadja and Laszlo are having. Nadja brings up the hat practically every time she’s pissed at her husband about anything. But Guillermo can’t help but bite the inside of his cheek and think, _vampire-specific curse._

“What are you laughing about? You think this is funny?” Nandor chides him, hanging upside-down from the chandelier. The whole thing swings gently as he twists around to glare at Guillermo. “You can’t turn into a bat, alright? You don’t know how difficult it is when you get stuck in something. Turning back usually fixes the problem. It’s this fucking chandelier, I knew we should have gotten rid of it. Now get me down from here!”

“Yes, master.” Guillermo goes up on his tiptoes, braced against the bannister above the stairs, and aims the handle of the broom at the chain holding the chandelier to the ceiling.

“Ow, that was my eye, Guillermo!”

“That was nowhere near your eye.”

“You knocked some dust into my eye! It’s really uncomfortable. Once you get me down, I want you to go to the store and get some eye drops. The saline kind, please, my eyes are very sensitive.”

* * *

Podcast fan meetups appeared on Guillermo’s list of potential virgin gathering-spots about a year ago. So far, it’s been unfruitful. Most of the attendees are either people around Guillermo’s age, a surprising number of whom are married, or actual teenagers.

He does get hit on a lot. Not usually by the teenagers. Sometimes by the married couples.

“Guillermo,” he introduces himself at one in Brooklyn. It’s at an exhaustingly hipstery bar that Guillermo is pretty sure is a microbrewery and is absolutely sure is out of his price range, but the nature of these things is that someone will either buy him a drink eventually or ignore the fact that he’s downing waters, on the rocks.

It’s also the furthest thing from virgin-hunting territory imaginable, but he’s only on the clock in the theoretical way he’s always on the clock. Nandor and Nadja are at some vampire-only event for the night that Guillermo never got clarity about but thinks is either an orgy or a funeral. Given what little he knows about vampire funerals, the two probably aren’t mutually exclusive.

Considering Laszlo stayed home citing that he hadn’t yet _recovered from the last one,_ Guillermo would bet that the former is involved in some capacity.

Either way, he has something akin to a night off. Jeremy is there hanging off his shoulder, stone cold sober but grinning like he’s already shitfaced, because he has a real person job and therefore at least a few hours off every single day. Not that he gloats about it, which is nice of him.

“Not just any Guillermo,” Jeremy interjects.

“Stop it, Jeremy,” he mumbles.

“Don’t be _modest._ This is Guillermo de la Cruz!” Jeremy smiles open-mouthed at the group. “C’mon,” he prompts them, squeezing Guillermo’s shoulder and jiggling him a little. “Guillermo _de la Cruz?_ ”

“Oh! You sent in a Yahoo, right?” a woman with stylish glasses Guillermo could never pull off says.

“Yeah—” Guillermo starts.

“Not _a_ Yahoo,” Jeremy scoffs. “He sent in every single vampire-themed Yahoo for the past four years. You know that ‘vampires are always naked’ animatic?”

“Hey!” A guy with a beard he _really_ couldn’t pull off makes a sound of recognition. _“Dracula can turn into wolf, can turn into bat, can turn into mist—”_

“A genu _ine_ Louie!” someone else interjects.

“I got a Louie?” Guillermo mutters in shock to Jeremy.

“Dude.” Jeremy stares at him, aghast. “I sent it to you on Discord like two months ago.”

“I’ve been busy—”

Three people buy Guillermo a drink, as it turns out. The guy with the beard also gives him his number. It’s a long shot as to whether he’ll text, but he figures it’d at least be better than the sad hookups at familiar mixers he swore off at twenty-six. And then again at twenty-seven.

Either way, it’s nice to be wanted.

* * *

GRIFFIN: Guillermo de la Cruz sent this one in. From now on I’m going to call Guillermo _the Vampire Hunter,_ because Guillermo is always finding those dark, _dark_ questions hiding in the shadows. So thank you to the Vampire Hunter Guillermo de la Cruz. This Yahoo comes from Yahoo Answers user—

Guillermo hits pause on the episode. He closes his podcast app. He takes out his headphones. He turns off his phone and, for good measure, he throws it into the mini-fridge.

 _Yeah, dude. Yeah,_ says the Universe. And also, apparently, the fucking host of at least one beloved podcast.

* * *

“What else do you listen to?” beard guy, whose name is Adrian and _not_ Beard Guy, asks. Now that Guillermo has a day off, he’s trying to make the most of it.

“A lot of stuff,” Guillermo says. “I tried to get into the—the ‘stay sexy, don’t get murdered’ one recently? But it wasn’t for me.”

“I hear that,” he nods. “I’ve heard it’s got some issues with being, like, exploitative and praising cops. I’m not into true crime though, so I might be biased.”

“Me neither,” Guillermo laughs. “It reminds me too much of work.”

He winces and curses himself for the slip. Just because he can’t scroll through a feed of grisly murder stories without going _vampire, vampire, probably werewolf, vampire, badabook, vampire_ doesn’t mean it’s the kind of thing to bring up on a first date.

“Oh shit, dude, are you a detective or something?”

“No, not at all. No. I, uh, I work with… dead bodies.” Well. That’s true in more than one way. Nice job, Guillermo. Good save.

“Are you a mortician?”

“Yep!” Guillermo smiles tightly and raises his fists in a _You got it!_ gesture. “I’m a mortician.”

“That’s awesome! I watch this lady on YouTube—”

* * *

JUSTIN: ‘My job requires handling a lot of dead bodies. The other day, my boss complained that the smell of blood all over my clothes was, quote, making him hungry. I’ve tried a lot of different body sprays, including—’ [Snorts]

TRAVIS: Hang on.

GRIFFIN: Uh, wanna run that one more time, Juice?

JUSTIN: [Wheezing] ‘—including Axe.’

TRAVIS: [Laughter]

GRIFFIN: Ex _cuse me?!_

JUSTIN: [Laughing] Just let me get this out. Let me start over. [Clears throat] ‘My job requires handling a lot of dead bodies. The other day, my boss complained that the smell of blood all over my clothes was, quote, making him hungry. I’ve tried a lot of different body sprays, including Axe. What’s the best way to alleviate this problem? Should I wear more body spray and risk offending his sensitive nose, or just—’ [Laughter]

TRAVIS: No! That’s not what you should do!

JUSTIN: ‘—or just keep smelling like an especially rare steak at work?’ And that’s from Not Too Familiar in Staten Island, excellent reference there. Thank you.

GRIFFIN: I think… Here’s what I think. I think you have a different set of problems than you think you have, to put it, let’s say, _mildly._

JUSTIN: I really feel for this person, because that’s pretty much exactly what happened to me at Olive Garden. Only instead of human blood it was the most _pungent_ of alfredo sauces.

TRAVIS: It’s not the same thing, J-Man. This person’s boss wants to _eat_ them!

JUSTIN: There’s no reason to jump to conclusions, Travis. All we know is that their boss feels a dark, ravenous hunger at the scent of human blood. Perfectly reasonable.

TRAVIS: True. I mean, who doesn’t? I know I do!

GRIFFIN: We have a lot of fun here, boys, but can I say something? I’m gonna say something.

JUSTIN: The floor is yours, Griff.

GRIFFIN: [Clears throat] This person… works… for a _vampire!_ Hey, is your boss a fucking _vampire?!_ I know we talk about vampires a lot on this show, but this one? I tell ya, fellas, this one’s got me a little bit spooked.

JUSTIN: This is very likely a desperate cry for help, yes. Listen, we are not the people to come to with your vampiric problems! We’re just three dipshits! I don’t know, get some _garlic!_

TRAVIS: Rub garlic on your body instead of Axe! That should put your boss off your scent. At the very least, [Laughter] it’ll make other people want to spend time with you more.

GRIFFIN: Fill up a kiddie pool with water, get a priest to bless it, and shove your boss right _in_ that beautiful, inflatable thing!

TRAVIS: Is that how they make holy water?

JUSTIN: Not with a kiddie pool.

TRAVIS: No, but with a priest.

JUSTIN: Yeah, Trav.

GRIFFIN: Travis, where—where do you _think_ holy water comes from?

TRAVIS: I don’t know. It’s like how chocolate milk comes from chocolate cows, you know?

GRIFFIN: And holy water comes from holy… what, Travis?

TRAVIS: Water bottles.

JUSTIN: [Hysterical laughter] I hate your guts!

Guillermo zones out through the end of the discussion of his question. He sent it in weeks ago—he’s three episodes behind—and it’s not exactly relevant anymore. He lets his head thunk back against the window of the subway car. The vibration of the train’s movement jostles his skull. He can hear the rattle in his own jaw.

All his worldly possessions are contained in a duffel bag at his feet. There aren’t a lot of them, after he had to leave his suitcase at Celeste’s. Eleven years. This is what he has to show for it.

The ding of a notification cuts through the buzz of laughter in his ears, a sound divorced from its context. He checks his phone to find a WhatsApp message from his mom. She wants to know if he’s switched from the bus yet, how far away he is. She’s making dinner now. Guillermo aches at the thought of it—he can’t remember the last time someone cooked for him.

He blinks sudden light out of his eyes as the train surfaces from a tunnel, crossing the bridge. The sun is a furious orange dot that flashes above New Jersey like a warning. It will be nightfall soon.

It will be nightfall, and someone will notice he’s gone. Almost certainly Nandor first, when there’s no one to hold his hand as he climbs down from his coffin, though Colin Robinson is also a solid bet. Guillermo suspects Colin Robinson has been sipping his inner turmoil as an apéritif for days.

He feels lighter the closer he gets to the Bronx, like he can finally breathe. There’s guilt and grief and the worry that has coated his ribs like melted tar since the trial and the first vampire he staked. It’s all still there. But every inch he moves from Staten Island is another breath he takes on his own. For himself.

Guillermo doesn’t do a lot of things for himself. It feels… good.

TRAVIS: So we know that the Holy Grail was a Hydroflask, but what about the Holy _Snail?_

GRIFFIN: Hey, Trav?

TRAVIS: Mhm?

Guillermo tunes back in abruptly, completely lost, and laughs so hard that a corgi sitting in a reusable grocery bag on a woman’s lap across from him startles and barks. He has to take off his glasses to wipe at watery eyes.

It’s not the podcast—well, it is, because Guillermo was not expecting to hear the words “Holy Snail” today—but the relief of escape. The sudden, weightless feeling of being untethered and responsible only for himself. He doesn’t know if it’s a forever kind of feeling, the kind that will even last as long as it takes for the subway to dip back into its tunnels, but it’s here right now, and Guillermo can live with that.

GRIFFIN: Y’all want that final?

JUSTIN: Hit me.

GRIFFIN: This was sent in by the Vampire Hunter Guillermo de la Cruz. It’s from an anonymous Yahoo Answers user, I’ll call them the Holy Snail. The Holy Snail asks, _‘Why_ does the glitter man not eat school bullies? I am watching Twilight.?’

**Author's Note:**

> The vampires of Staten Island are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Guillermo insists he's an expert familiar, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it.
> 
> [Guillermo at the start of season 1] It's familiar...  
> [Guillermo at the end of season 2] But not too familiar.
> 
> Nandor and John AKA "My other horse is a ghost"

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